And Doula Diary was born…
Dear Doula Diary,
It all begins with an idea. Doula Diary was born following the birth of my daughter Olivia on the 13th August 2021 at Stoke Mandeville Hospital. On Wednesday 11th August1pm (ish)I had a trickle down my leg. Did my waters just break or had I peed myself? I genuinely wasn’t sure so I Googled it which wasn’t really helpful. I decided to see if labour would follow and carried on about my day. Nothing else happened. Thursday 12th August me and my husband decided I should speak with the midwife. My midwife told me to go to the hospital to get checked, without even questioning this I did as I was told and was checked. Little did I know at the time that this could be damaging to the natural progression of my labour and also would introduce infection. Without much thought, as I was hoping that The hospital staff would confirm that I would be welcoming my baby, they confirmed my waters had broken but they hadn’t “popped” completely. This is where the cascade of intervention began, I did not know it at the time and I would have done things so different if I had prepared myself differently. Due to the hospital protocol they wanted me to start on 4 hourly IV antibiotics as precaution (infection risk) and I was to be induced the following day. I thought this was over the top but I complied as I thought that they would know best, I put my trust in the service provider and not myself. Working for the NHS for the last 10 years I did not think this trust was misplaced. As I was working through a mixture of emotions I had to fight for my husband to be able to remain with me as they would not let me go home. We offered to pay for a hotel near by so we were close to the hospital, anything to not be separated. Eventually once the night staff had come on and the day staff had gone home they allowed my husband to stay and for us to finally get some rest. It was a very unsettled night and I was praying that labour would start spontaneously.
Friday 13th August cervix closed so to help things along I requested a pessary as the reading I had done had said this may help speed things along. I know better now but in the moment for my first birth I thought this would help my situation. 1st pessary inserted 01:30 and I tried to get some rest. Nothing happened (Surprise!). Later that morning at 12:15 I was checked and my cervix remained closed, I was very disheartened. Certainly know good hormones floating round my body at this stage. Before I was to be induced I took the opportunity to have a bath and then I was induced at 12:45 which was ticking along, I had a lot of nausea and vomiting throughout my pregnancy and I vomited again the morning of the induction. When the induction started I used a tens machine initially to manage any pain. I thought this worked well, I know that induced labours could be more painful and wanted to try and manage the pain as best as I could with limited drugs. When the induced contractions stepped up a level I had a practice with the gas and air. The consultant then came in to do a stretch and sweep and a hook to properly break my waters at 15:25 (this was brutal!) Crazy contractions minute apart minute in length started not long after this with babies heart rate raised! The consultant checked my Cervix and I was only 1.5cm. It was described to us that it was like trying to push a baby out of a keyhole on a closed door. I do not really recall much more other then some paper being placed in front of me and the health care staff “informing me” of the risks to a caesarean. It was too late, I had no choice, I was in pain, something was not right and my baby was in distress. I scribbled something that looked like my signature. With baby distressed, heart rate over 200 and everything a blur, it all happened so quickly and Jack (my husband) held my hand every step of the way. We were rushed to theatre, I had a Spinal block, urinary catheter inserted and a Cat 2 Caesarian Birth. The spinal block was very surreal and made me feel even more vulnerable when I already felt helpless.
Jack got to cut the cord and have a cuddle whilst they played some relaxing music and put me back together. The theatre staff were very lovely and tried to involve me and honour my wishes as much as possible. Olivia was born. Time: 18:41 on Friday 13th August weighing 7lbs 3oz. She was here and she was safe! I however, was broken. All I remember repeating whilst I was in theatre was that “this is everything I did not want!’ This is where the journey began to understand my own birth story, heal from it and find myself wanting to ensure your birth is in alignment with your vision and that you are prepared. Part of my recovery has been facilitated by becoming a Doula and finding a village of women and birthing people who have either a passion for birth rights and birth or have had their own birth trauma to deal with and found themselves wanting to make birth and postpartum the empowering and transformative experience that it should and can be, if we understand the physiological process of birth and have the confidence to trust our instincts. I can 100% support any birth providing that the mother understands their options and can make informed choices that is right for them. I am particularly passionate about first time Mum’s achieving ANY birth as long as it’s what they have chosen without coercion. I am also very passionate for second time Mum’s achieving vaginal birth after caesarean (VBAC) or home birth after caesarean (HBAC) as this is what I am aspiring for my next birth and I know with the right support around us we can achieve it!
